How to Manage Allowance

In many of my positive discipline/positive parenting books and even a couple of the lectures I’ve attended, there are some misconnects when it comes to allowance, chores and the rules inbetween.

One belief goes to lengths about how children should get allowances regardless of whether they did their chores or not, as they’re considered a part of the household and as such should receive the benefits therein (of course, I’m summarizing). The basic point was pay regardless or risk developing a reward/punishment mindset.

I’m sorry, but to this I’m going to have to say “are you high?”

In my experience as a paid employee, I’ve been unsuccessful in convincing any employer to pay me even if I don’t do anything. And I’ve yet to believe this has created a reward/punishment mindset that has then developed into low self-esteem. In fact, I believe the attitude of pay regardless of work develops entitlement, laziness, and a poor economy. Paying for work well done is reality and prepares children for life.

Others say you should never pay. Children should be doing the work because they feel important as a part of the family. Sure, communism worked great for Russia. Not.

I’m more into the belief that together as a family we can come up with chores, rules, and allowance, and make it work in a way that is both realistic (reflects the real world) and valuable to the whole family. Having chores and getting an allowance opens the doors for all kinds of life skill learning opportunities, as well as valuable self-esteem building.

There is also discussion about at what age a child should get an allowance. I hold strongly to the positive discipline foundation belief that a family works as a unit. We all pull together. Way back when, kids were pulling their weight just to help the family survive. With the onset of working outside the home, the dynamic changed, but keeping children involved in helping the household run is paramount to developing and maintaining that sense of inclusion and importance. Expecting them to do it for the fun of it (past those early years when they LOVE to help) isn’t realistic in this day and age. Certainly, in pioneer times, for instance, they didn’t get paid, but they knew they didn’t eat if they slacked off. That’s not the issue today, so giving them a little money allows them the opportunity to develop other life skills they’ll need in today’s world – saving, financial planning, prioritizing purchases, etc. All of these develop and deepen a “can do” and “I did it” attitude.

When to start is a family decision. I agree with some positive discipline folks who say preschool isn’t too soon. Here’s why. My 3-year-old son and 4-year-old daughter watch Sesame Street. They watched Elmo do chores and save up for a toy he wanted. At the same time, as we take them to the store to choose birthday gifts for friends (or heck, any time we take them to the store) they’re starting to ask for things. Then my daughter announced over the summer, “I could work for the money and save it.”

So I’m following her lead. This week we’re initiating allowance for her, a simple $1 a week for a handful of chores. For the record, she just turned 5. Here’s how we did it.

The first step is to sit down as a family. If you have family meetings, this is an ideal agenda item. Talk about the plan to start offering allowance for chores. A few chores is all younger kids need, more when they’re older. Let the kids help come up with a chore list. Some folks even do a chore wheel or other rotating chore schedule between kids and parents – which is great for grade school on up to add variety.

Write down the chores. Have fun with it, maybe using poster board and using big letters for younger kids, a white board list with magnets when jobs are done, sticker sheet, etc.

Agree on the allowance and how often it will be paid.

Agree on the rules. How many missed chores constitute no allowance? Can chores be made up? If so, how? Will you require a saving rule? (Some families will agree to start allowance as long as 50% goes into savings. Your call.) As a family talk about the rules and agree on the them. Write them down and have them available to review (especially for older kids). You can revise them as you hammer out the kinks.

Now watch and see how the motivation to help out increases. If there is still foot dragging and refusal, maybe it’s too soon to try this. However, you may be surprised. Do you remember the first thing you bought with your first allowance? I remember the arrows I bought like it was yesterday. My dad had given me an old toy bow and I wanted arrows. I could afford only two $1 arrows, and I’ll never forget.

Now on the other side as the parent, I look forward to watching Sweetness save up and get something with her own money. She’ll learn about money, saving, making decisions on purchases, the joy of buying something you earned, and (hopefully) increased care for the things she bought with her own money.

My tip today is to work together as a family to decide when to start allowance, the rules and how it will work in your home.

Do you offer allowance? Why or why not? I’d love to learn more about how others approach this issue.

Tagged as: allowance, Positive Discipline