3 Ways to Show Undying Belief in Children

Last week I wrote about the honorable parenting qualities in fictional Transformers character Optimus Prime. One thing that really struck me about him, and was the source of a few reader comments, was his tendency to show an undying belief in those he leads, encouraging them to reach for their potential.

As parents, we too are leaders. In my opinion, all parents should strive to express undying belief in their children.

Children inherently have no grasp of their potential. Granted, they’re wired to explore and as such seem to have an innate ability to scare the crap out us during their daily expressions of fearlessness in the face of certain death. It’s through this exploration they learn of their potential.

However, as their parents and caregivers, we have the extreme power to boost that potential by simply believing in them with all of our hearts.

So how do you do that, exactly?

It all starts with what you say. Because what we start saying to our kids in their early life lays the groundwork for their own internal dialog.

Think of it this way, do you want your kids to be telling themselves they can’t, or do you want them to believe they can?

Positive Language
Getting into the habit of telling children what they can do. Especially with small children, our days can be filled with multiple repetitions of “don’t,” “no,” and “stop.” “Stop yelling,” “don’t touch that,” “no, you can’t have another cookie,” and the like begin to develop frustration and a sense of what they can’t do.

Instead we can strive to tell kids what they can do as much or more than we tell them what they can’t. Instead of saying, “don’t put your feet on the couch,” instead say, “remember we sit on the couch. If you want to jump, you can jump here on the carpet.” Put a positive spin on your words.

When kids begin to feel discouraged, express your belief in their abilities. Remember the difference between encouragement and praise. Don’t fall into the trap of meaningless praise, as this will develop a need to be praised for accomplishments in order to feel those accomplishments are valid.

Think of yourself as the coach, offering encouraging words along the way.

Perhaps your little one is trying to learn a new skill like riding a bike. He’s getting frustrated as he tries to get the hang of all the physical requirements. Staying calm and positive, offering encouraging words, “I know you’re frustrated, it’s hard learning to ride a bike. I know you can do it with practice. Just keep practicing. We all get better with practice,” and “there you go, you’re getting it. See you rode for a little longer that time. You’re doing it!”

Notice there is no “I’m so proud of you.” Make it about them. Give them that internal dialog. As they move forward in life, they’ll remember and tell themselves it takes practice and that they can do it.

Avoid Discouraging Words
I know this seems obvious, but think about a time you got frustrated with a child who did something he knew he wasn’t supposed to do and the reason why he wasn’t supposed to do it became a reality.

Raising your voice and saying “Look at the mess you made. You know you’re not supposed to play with the paints in the living room. Now the carpet is ruined,” may feel good to say because you’re frustrated, but consider the effect.

I know I’m guilty of letting out frustration in such a way. It feels good to verbalize your frustration, but think about where that negative energy goes: right to the child’s sense of self worth.

In these situations, positive discipline teachers recommend calmly reminding the child about the rule, “you know we have a rule that we don’t play with paints in the living room,” stating the obvious, “there is paint on the floor now and I don’t know if we’ll be able to get it out. The carpet may be stained,” and then empowering the child to help correct the situation in a way that teaches responsibility, “let’s get the carpet cleaner and see if we can’t clean this up.”

For children old enough to understand, you can request they clean it themselves and you can even include a logical consequence such as taking the paints away for a period of time.

Jane Nelsen, positive discipline expert, emphasizes, “Where did we get the notion that by making children feel worse we can make them act better?” It helps me to keep this quote in mind when approaching a misbehavior.

Stand back and let them fail
Too often we want to swoop in and help, correct or even do a task for our kids, lest we see them fail. It’s important to remember that failure is the way to success. Only by learning from our mistakes do we develop and grow as individuals and a society.

It takes some real willpower to let our kids try and fail. But when they do fail, we can take those opportunities to teach valuable lessons about tenacity and the importance of evaluating a situation and trying again and again.

Kids will learn the valuable lesson that they, and everyone, will fail sometimes, but they can depend on you to be there to encourage, support and express your belief that they will eventually succeed.

As they grow they will adopt that belief, believing in themselves as you did.

I know this isn’t a one size fits all, but I hope these examples give you some ideas. How do you show undying belief in your kids and what advice would you offer to help someone engender this parenting value?

 

Tagged as: Mom Tip Monday, Parenting Articles, Positive Discipline