Positive Discipline: Embracing Mistakes

This parenting journey is quite the job. Despite my most valiant efforts and deep commitment to positive discipline, I often find myself making and correcting mistakes. And the first thought that runs through my mind when I make a mistake is “I’m a failure, I’m a bad mom, My kids are going to need therapy.”

However, positive discipline itself encourages us to embrace mistakes as learning opportunities for our children. The street goes both ways in that department.

When it comes to mistakes, many of us immediately conjure up negative thoughts and feelings – mistakes are bad, I’m inadequate, I shouldn’t make mistakes, I’m a failure, I’m stupid, etc. Some of us believe if we do make mistakes we need to cover them up or hide them (lie), going so far as to make excuses or blame them on others.

Jane Nelsen in her book Positive Discipline A-Z describes these thoughts as “crazy notions” because they not only damage self esteem, but invite discouragement and even depression.

To err is human. Everyone makes mistakes. No one is perfect. Trying to hide them or cover them up only digs a deeper hole and further erodes self esteem. However, people on a whole are pretty willing to forgive when someone honestly takes responsibility for a mistake and takes steps to remedy the situation. I’ve seen this kind of action lead to more respect and responsibility in the workplace, so I know she’s not selling snake oil here.

Now imagine if your child took that kind of responsibility. You’re expecting a lie, maybe a cover up, or even blaming a sibling. But then the fruit of your loins announces he spilled the milk on the floor, he needs a towel to clean it up. Doesn’t the quick annoyed reaction that there is a mess on the carpet suddenly lessen as a new respect rises up? He’s taken responsibility.

We can help our children avoid fear of mistakes by telling them the basic truth that everyone makes mistakes. They always will as long as they live. Therefore, look at your mistakes as opportunities to learn and grow instead of signs of inadequacy.

Tell your children that on a whole making mistakes isn’t as important as what they do about them. Anyone can make a mistake, but it takes a special person to say “I’m wrong and I’m sorry. This is how I’m going to fix it.”

And remember parents and caregivers, the same goes for you. We make mistakes too and need to admit them and learn from them. Model the behavior you want your kids to learn.

Just as I was writing this I heard Sweetness come out of her room during nap to use the bathroom. It seemed to be taking a very long time, then I heard the plunger in the toilet bowl. I ran to see what was going on, preconditioned to her desire to procrastinate. I was stern with her, sent her back to her room.

Then I noticed the toilet was in fact clogged. My little 3-year-old had watched me pull out this instrument of fixit and push it around in the toilet before to get it to flush. She was taking initiative to fix the problem herself. And I yelled at her to stop messing around and go back to bed.

I got the toilet working again and called her back into the bathroom (she’d been standing around the corner feeling sheepish). I told her what I saw, that she was trying to fix the toilet. I told her I was sorry that I raised my voice and I recognized she was just trying to be helpful. I thanked her for her effort and gave her a kiss. She smiled and said “ok.” All was forgiven.

When it comes to recovering from a mistake, here’s an easy trick to teach your kids, and practice yourself:

Three Rs of Recovery

Recognize the mistake with a feeling of responsibility instead of blame.

Reconcile by apologizing to the people you have offended, hurt, or let down.

Resolve the problem, when possible, by working together on a solution.

And parents, please don’t ever think of yourself as a failure or bad parent for mistakes. If you can practice the 3 Rs with your kids, you’re way ahead of the game in the success department, and so are they.

Side note: Just a few days after posting this, I found this great post on Mamapedia from Mandyland. She’s a great writer with a fascinating practice in her family when it comes to mistakes.

 

 

Tagged as: Positive Discipline