Comfort Zone Withdrawl

Being ripped out of your comfort zone can really do a number on you.

I had a rough day Tuesday, feeling melancholy most of the day, even crying a few times. I had to return to the office to record my “never back in the office” voicemail and write the permanent bouceback to my e-mail. While there I tore my name off my mailbox and my office door. I was officially gone.

In my very uncharacteristically unresponsive state throughout the day, I found myself curling up inside myself and sifting through all the stuff that had piled up there recently.

I was thoroughly embarrassed and disgusted with myself during a good portion of this introspection, just so you know.

There is no logical reason for me to feel so betrayed or so out of control. I’ve been feeling lost in my job for some time with my favorite people gone and new leadership taking the company in a direction that I personally questioned. I’m financially stable and ready to take on the next chapter with bold steps. So why the midlife crisis?

I had been longing to spend more time with my kids for months. Yet, my reaction to the news of the layoff was nothing short of terror at being home full time. I feel very guilty about that.

I even began smothering my best pal, pushing him way out of his comfort zone and adding completely unnecessary stress to his life as he tried to be there for me. He finally snapped and, in his unique way, slapped me upside the head with a few new boundaries. I deserved that.

The result of this all: I feel like such a selfish person. I’m lucky to be where I am in life and have the friends I do. Why would I jeopardize that with my out of control feelings and behavior? I need to clearly get a grip, and get it now.

This morning I woke up with a better perspective, though I still lack the level of patience I’d like to see myself achieve, like, immediately.

Today I took the kids out to the craft shop and got a bunch of supplies I’ve been thinking about for a while so we can get crafty and creative together. I’m excited about coming up with some fun art projects where we can get our hands dirty together and giggle lots. This is a step in the right direction for me.

Though I fantasized about doing this before the layoff, for some reason after I got the news I froze up and couldn’t for the life of me get excited about being with the kids all day every day. The feeling is starting to come back. It’s time to get serious. I’m now the person the kids will rely on the most. I’m dedicated to making the most of it, connecting, teaching, playing and learning with them.

Also knowing and respecting my needs, I blocked out a weekend a month for the next five months where I get away with either a girlfriend or Hubby. Jen time will need to be respected more than ever now and knowing every 3 to 4 weeks I am getting away will make the transition into SAHM life a little easier for me. I’m already counting the days to my trip to Phoenix in three weeks.

I’ll be lucky if I see my best pal in the next several weeks, but that’s probably a good thing. I need to walk on my own and not overwhelm those I care for the most. I deserve the withdrawal that will bring and will use it to remind myself to think of others’ feelings and needs first, including his.

And I’m working on keeping my sense of humor. I can’t let that go or it would be the end of me. I hope my periodic fictional ramblings about my imaginary cabana boy will keep me laughing the way my muse keeps me longing for more inspiration.

Yes, it’s been a fascinating ride, being pulled out of my comfort zone. I’ve certainly learned what kind of damage I’m capable of doing to myself and others with this big, fat personality of mine. Here’s hoping nothing is damaged for good and that every good thing comes out in the end.

I’m ready for 2011 now.

Tagged as: change, job loss, transition