If you’ve been following the saga, my position at the company has been eliminated starting Jan. 2, 2011. I’ve gone through so many emotions and feelings since hearing the news on Dec. 6 – anger, fear, pain, frustration, despair, hope, obsession, depression, guilt, self doubt, lack of appetite, helplessness, loss of control to my impulsive side, acid reflux, desire to have a midlife crisis complete with sports car, desperation, panic, sleeplessness, heightened awareness, regret, gratitude, love and nostalgia.
It’s been 14 days.
I’ve cried more in the last two weeks than the last six years combined.
Photo illustration. My own storm was much messier. And tasted like Starbucks' Christmas Blend.
This past weekend was the turning point for me. I was both more impulsively out of control than I’d been since getting the news and, through the grace of God, managed to come to resolution, all in a very painful 36 hour period.
Talk about a roller coaster ride from Hell.
While it sucked hairy donkey balls to go through that emotional storm, or more accurately category five hurricane of blood, lust and tears (not necessarily in that order), I’ve somehow come out the other end in what is beginning to resemble peace.
Looking around now, my landscape is changed, much like what a hurricane would do to a Gulf Coast town. But a quick check shows everything I really need is still right here.
I am closer than ever to what means the most to me in this world. I am supported on all sides by my family, my best friend, my circle of close pals, and my helicopter industry. All have come to my rescue and that is what remains in this new landscape. And that’s all I need.
What is gone is my former identity. I am no longer in the airline industry. I can no longer refer to myself with my former job title. My resume describing my job now lists my accomplishments in past tense. My professional employment history on LinkedIn has an end date.
However, also gone is the 24/7 on-call status, the stress of a changing industry that made work harder each day, the pain of seeing colleagues leave the company, and the guilt of being away from my kids.
A new day has dawned in Jen’s World. Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end, as the song goes. The storm cleared out a lot of dead wood. While it may feel a little like Damnation Alley (minus the cockroaches) for a bit, fresh new things can now take root and grow. I’m excited to see what fruit will come.
In the meantime, my dear VP informed me yesterday that I didn’t need to come to work next week, as scheduled. I’d be paid the whole week as if I had worked. “Merry Christmas, we’re so sorry again, and thanks for all you’ve done for us.” Sweet man. I’ll miss him a lot.
Because of the holiday I was only scheduled to work yesterday and today this week. Which means today is my last day in this job. Kind of sudden, but now I’m ready.
Bring it on. Oh, and mind your shoes. It’s still kind of muddy.
{ 12 comments }
So much of what you write rings ture and hits me in the “professional” gut. I get it, I’m still lucky enough to be collecting a paycheck, but I swear, since I’m not doing what I used to do, I get it. Or at least it’s really to imagine it.
Just want you to know that I’m thinking about you. Enjoy your holiday. Maybe now that you’re officially done, it’ll be easier for you. I hope so.
Twitter: Heligirl
December 21, 2010 at 7:23 am
Thanks so much Krista. That means a lot coming from you. Change is so hard and its been a rough several weeks. Here’s to a new year full of adventure and new opportunities.
This is perhaps one of your best entries. You conveyed your feelings so clearly and so simply that anyone should be able to “get it”. That is, after all, what this sort of writing should do.
Now, I really, really feel for you because it sounds like hell. Although I know you’ll continue to grieve for a little while, I’m glad you have come out on the other side. As I said before, and this entry is a perfect example, you are so talented and have such a great personality, which shines through your writing. You have wonderful things ahead of you.
By the way, I’m adding “hairy donkey balls” to my list of things to remember. 😉
Twitter: Heligirl
December 21, 2010 at 10:34 pm
Oh Gayle, you made me all weepy eyed. Thank you so very, very much for such a heartfelt, kind and generous comment. I’m so glad to have “met” you and have so enjoyed our e-mail chats about the boys of the sea. Thank you again so much for the encouragement. I’m a bit of an obsessive sort so when I go through something, it’s usually with all nerves hanging out and complete chaos because I can’t control where things are going. I think my own personality made this harder on me than it had to be, but at the same time, I pushed through it at mach 1+.
I know things will work out for the best. Several things in my life are different in a lot of respects than they were only two weeks ago. But I know it’s all good. Now I have to figure out how to down shift and coast for a bit to let everything fall into its own place while resisting the almost overwhelming urge to control destiny. One thing I’ve learned on this journey is when we put out there in the universe what we really, really want deep down in our heart of hearts, it is always delivered. So best be very clear about what you want. Seriously. 🙂
Changes, changes. Wish I could say something more profound… thinking of you, and I wish you luck! Know you’ll come through all of this with flying colors in the end!
Booyah’s Momma recently posted: Viva la vacation
Hey girl. Haven’t been here in a while, haven’t been to many places in a while. WOW I’m so sorry for what is going on. So happy for you that you are finding some peace though I can only imagine how hard that must be. Hopefully 2011 will bring wonderful changes for you
Colleen recently posted: Kids Say the Cutest Things Monsters
This kind of change is tough, but you know how things have a way of working themselves out and at some point you might realize it was a blessing. I love that you said “hairy donkey balls” You still have your sense of humor and that is part of the battle! Good things are ahead, Jen!
Carol @ Knee Deep recently posted: The Final Disney Photo Parade
Wow! It sounds like you are doing better. You have made it through the worst part. I am sure the next part, discovering what is going to happen will be much better.
Happy Last day at Your Job. Spread joy to those you will miss and have appreciated and be gracious to those you really want to punch, it will make them feel so much worse. Those are my words of wisdom.
Happy Holidays to your family.
Sounds like you’re on the right track!…:)JP
Twitter: solarchief
December 21, 2010 at 4:04 pm
I used to tell my girls that they would have many different jobs before their working years were over, because each new position is sent to us for the new skills that we need. That was greeted with laughter. Now, 30+ years later, they’ve seen the many transitions and are telling their children the same thing… While it’s hard to say good-bye to a wonderful office family, new people will come into your life with lots of new adventures… Happy Holidays.
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You may no longer be in the airline industry, but damn can you write! And that’s something no one can every take away from you. I love hearing the hope in your writing.
I haven’t worked on a sea going vessel in 8 years, and adjusting to being mom, not getting a paycheck, and dealing with a difficult, squawling little one, took quite a while. But what got me even more, was this past spring when I, having no sea time, turned in my license. I worked my tail off for years to get it to where it was. That was very hard. You reminded me of it when you stated, “what’s gone is my former identity.”
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I’m sorry for what you’ve been going through.
I re-visited your site as I want to focus more on positive parenting than what I’ve been doing – having been gone for several months. by the way have you checked out notjustcute’s new ebook? great!
I lost my job almost a year ago…funnily enough since law school I’ve had a quote on my desk/fridge/mind that says “never confuse having a career with having a life” and I think that is so important but changing our hearts and minds to that, much MUCH harder. I feel like I’ve been floating for a year in a land of “I guess I’m not good enough…I don’t know what I want to do…I’m not good enough to do anything” because what I was doing was my dream job. so I’m pulling myself up and dusting myself off and trying to live that a career is not a life and nothing but me defines me. just trying to say I totally understand your feelings and thanks for sharing and your website.
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