Totally Messed Up Pregnancy Reflections

I recently learned a dear friend is expecting her third child. We met just after we found out we were pregnant with our first children. We were pregnant with our second kids around the same time too and now that she has her third on the way, and I’ll never have another, I’m waxing nostalgic about the “joys” of pregnancy. More specifically, the absolutely insane things those freaking pregnancy hormones made me do. Here, for your Friday reading pleasure, are some of the things that come to mind:

• Watching Transformers for the first time and crying like a little girl when Bumblebee is captured then losing it all over again at the end when he says he wants to stay with the boy. (Who cries during Transformers? Evidently, me. And since I’m confessing, I also lost it during the second movie when Optimus Prime died, but I was pregnant with my second at the time so I’m sticking to my hormones excuse.)

• Actually writing hate mail to Hagan Daas because they stopped making Mayan Chocolate ice cream. Didn’t they know they had a hormonal pregnant lady out there who lived for the stuff, craved it like Edward craves Bella’s blood? It wasn’t pretty people. (They sent me coupons for money off any other flavor in response. Clearly, they didn’t fully grasp the gravity of the situation.)

• Speaking of Edward and Bella, reading the Twilight series twice during my last pregnancy. Something about being easy reads. I couldn’t for the life of me read anything deep. My mind suddenly couldn’t handle it. I tried. I failed. I read Twilight again.

• Freaking out in the dark. Visual stuff had a real impact on my hormonal brain. I wanted to zone out, so I beefed up the old Netflix list. Then I Am Legend showed up in the mail. This was not a pretty thing. I slept with the lights on for two days and screamed like a 3-year-old (mine these days to be exact) when Hubby tried to turn the lights out. I strongly advise against watching this particular flick while pregnant.

• Smelling my dog’s impacted anal gland. That pregnancy super power of smell actually saved me a few hundred bucks. My dog was sitting on my lap and I smelled something sickly. I at first thought he had a dingleberry. When I went to lift his tail to check he let out a loud yipe. Upon closer inspection I noticed everything was rather red and swollen. We went to the vet, where I learned it could have burst in the next few hours had I not noticed. That would have smelled lovely. Oh, and the dog would not have been feeling all that good.

• Speaking of the super power. Imagine putting your head down into a rancid garbage bag that’s been out in the sun for a week. That’s what a slightly full garbage bag under the sink with the door shut can smell like to a pregnant lady as she walks in the front door of the house. Guys, take notes. Trash goes out each night when the lady is with child. Write it down. This will save you, I promise.

• Swelling to 2.5 times my regular size thanks to water retention. In fact, there was so much pressure in my joints that I lost feeling in my hands the last three months of pregnancy. It was carpel tunnel from HELL. And I went up 2.5 shoe sizes with swollen feet and cankles (calves and ankles that run together). I peed for a week after her birth and all was well again. Never happened during my second one, praise God, Buddha and/or Allah.

• Three words: porn star boobs. They were the ultimate cruel joke for the boys. They looked AMAZING, and I killed anyone who touched them because they hurt like a mother. And then there was the leaking…

• Freaking out over every last ligament pain, twinge, suspected spotting and whatnot got old fast. Part of you is logically concerned. The other 95 percent of you that is ruled by the demon hormones has you so freaked out you have the doctor on speed dial. I never thought I’d become such a used toilet paper examiner. The first three months you’re freaked about miscarriage. The next five it’s fear of premature delivery. The last month it’s “oh please, let this be a sign I’m going into labor and this hell will end.” Laugh if you must, but if you’ve every been pregnant, you’re laughing because you know. its. true.

• Crying like a baby every time I saw a baby. This was getting even on my nerves.

• Narcolepsy. Or it’s close cousin. I was falling asleep everywhere I was so tired.

• Screaming at my Hubby through tears and sobs to turn the news off, I couldn’t take it anymore. There’d been a story about a house fire where a child didn’t make it out followed by a story of a police bust on a puppy mill and how sick the dogs were. I was taking news like this as if a close member of my family just died. I couldn’t handle it. Hubby started looking at me like I was a few bricks short of a full load.

• Then there was the mother of all experiences. The chocolate cake nightmare and how my sense of smell made me have professional cleaners come in to wash my carpets and couch after my daughter threw up the same week the morning sickness of my second pregnancy hit. Good times. Good times.

Yes, I can’t say I miss being pregnant. It was something I’d wanted to experience, and I did. Twice. I think I’ll just live vicariously through my buddy and watch my Transformers DVDs tear-free.

Tagged as: Friday Funny, pregnancy